News You Can’t Use

News blurbs are in standard type my commentary is italicized.

A man was shot in the stomach in a robbery attempt while leaving a Pizza Hut restaurant.  He ate at Pizza Hut- he probably just felt like he was shot in the stomach.

A 460 pound con artist who claimed to be a preacher had thirteen complaints lodged against him. Nine of those complaints were for busted furniture.  “I think it’s terrible of him trying to hide behind God like that” one complainant said.  He’s asking an awful lot of God, don’t you think?

A relationship expert was commenting on the Obama's’ level of affection when she stated “they’re hugging and kissing, they’re fisting…” The horrified host quickly corrected her saying “I think it’s called a fist bump.”  Nothing I can add here.

Rand Paul supporter headstomps protester.  Later says “It wasn’t as bad as it looked”  I guess how bad it looks depends on which end of the tea-bagger thug’s jack-booted stomp you happen to be on.

Nevada Senate Tea-bagger candidate Sharron Angle bans two media outlets from covering her campaign for daring to ask questions about the economy and foreign policy.  Now they start to show their true colors- what is their plan? rule in absolute secrecy?

Campaign finance reform failed so badly that corporations and foreign governments can secretly “donate to” (not buy I’m sure) candidates with unlimited amounts of undisclosed cash.  Don’t worry though, I’m sure the twenty bucks you gave to your favorite politician will get you just as much consideration and access as the hundreds of millions paid by China and Saudi Arabia.