AIR FOIL

These profiteering corporate robber-barons who think people have no right to clean fresh water have given me an idea. If Neestle™ can extract million of gallons of Canadian water for free, then bottle it up and sell it back to them and around the world i should be able to do something similar. So to that end;
I hereby give public notice that from now forward, I now lay claim to all current and future mineral rights in the atmosphere of the planet Earth.
This means all of you free loading air breathers who have been inhaling my oxygen over they years had better start paying up! If you don't I'll drag your sorry leeching asses into court.
I think ten dollars (American) a day is a fair price to start but I reserve the right to increase rates as I see fit, Starting in January you overweight people will have to pay an additional two dollar 'Excessive heavy breathing' fee. This gives you three and a half months to lose weight if you do not wish to pay the additional charge.
I am prepared to forgive past air consumption and not level any charges of late payment fees for air already breathed.
I will be phasing in 'burning charges' in the next year. (Can't have a fire without oxygen you know.) these will include, trash and brush burning, fireplaces, cook outs, arson, and the use of internal combustion engines.
Failure to pay will result in heavy fines. addition delay will be penalized with to installation of a atmospheric blocking device ( Plastic bag pulled over head and secured around neck with a zip tie.) the device will only be removed after all charges and fees have been paid in full.

Thank your for your attention in this matter.

© C. Erich Dunne. . . .september, twenty-thirteen